It’s been roughly three years since my marriage was over and it’s been a hard journey of rebuilding the contorted metal and fragmented shards of life that remained. I can be very proud of what I have built and how much I have achieved in that time. If today’s Jon could visit ground zero Jon, old self would never believe just quite how far he would come in such a short period of time.
However, there is still an aching in my heart. Not the scars of wounds past but a yearning for someone to love. Someone that will look back into my eyes proudly and proclaim this is my man. Someone that can see through the battle scars and see the beauty of a soul that refused to be beaten.
I may be wearsome and jaded, but my heart has never given up hope and never will. It will not be poisoned or blacked for it is far too big and pure to allow that to happen.
As I look up above at the clear night sky and see the stars radiate light millions of years old, I believe my girl is out there looking up to the same heavens and pondering the same desire to love and be loved. She doesn’t know it yet, but we will find each other.
Wanting is free. The world is full of heartbroken, lonely people yearning for that human connection, that other person that completes their puzzle. Wanting is not enough. Love has to be earned and it has to be found and I will look under every rock, every grain of sand until I find her.
A lot of things have to line up for us to find each other. Timing is everything. Circumstances have to be right. Hearts have to be healed for love to flow. The connection has to be there and that can’t be forced. There have been six close calls and maybe we weren’t quite right for each other or the timing wasn’t right but I can take solice from the fact I must be at least doing something right to have come this far. I’m grateful and humbled by those ladies presence and time. I have learned something about myself and what my heart desires from each of them. Every attempt that doesn’t quite work is a step closer to the one that does.
What I am asking for is a miracle. But life itself is the everyday miracle. Just for me to be standing here today, the right egg had to meet the right sperm and travel down a single healthy fallopian tube, implant and grow to become the man that stands tall here today and like the implausible miracle of life happens everyday, so does the miracle of love and I believe I will feel it again.
I will be her lighthouse, radiating my light over the shores, sheltering her from harm and she will be the vessel out in my waters. My raison d’etre. She shall never know fear of the dark as I stand tall beside her, but she has to take that chance and seek my shelter. The wind will blow. The tides will turn, but my light will radiate on her and keep her safe in my harbours forevermore.
All I can do is keep looking, keep radiating that positive energy in the hope that she will see my beacon and be drawn towards the safety and warmth of my love.
My windows maybe cobwebbed and sooted. I may be weathered and shabby with flaky paintwork, but my light is pure. My heart is ready and she who is ready to give her love, will receive my grace tenfold. Could you be my Golden Hind? Could I be your Dover Castle?
