These kind of events are completely out of my comfort zone. As a kid at school I was the kind of lad that was always sat at the front, hand up to answer every question my teachers asked. I was observant and soaked up knowledge like a sponge but I could also be the class clown and make people laugh.
At the same time, put me in a social situation like a school disco and I’d go from being reasonably smart and funny, to being the kid sat in the corner watching other people, but not having the confidence to get up and dance myself.
Maybe I could have just shortened those first two paragraphs and said I’m an introvert. It’s not that I don’t have social skills. When I feel comfortable, I’m warm, I’m kind, and I’m a good listener. However, stick me in a loud environment where I struggle to hear people, I lose the ability to be witty, charming and confident.
For most of my life, this hasn’t been a big issue. I met my ex wife at the age of 19 and we were together for 20 years. Having to worry about how to chat up a woman has not been something I had to worry about.
However, now at the age of 42, where I’m told life really begins, I’m having to rediscover who I am.
If you don’t buy the ticket, you can’t win the prizes so the optimist side of me has been coercing shy, introverted Jon out into territories that are not his natural habitat. Places like singles nights in crowded bars.
Optimist Jon is smart. He knows that fear is just “false evidence appearing real”. He knows that the only way you get better at anything in life is to keep trying. He knows all the right things to say, how to build intrigue, interest, mystery and tension.
He is smoother than silk and he’s a one man pun machine gun who will make you laugh, even if that laughter is based on how bad the jokes are rather than the jokes themselves.
Unfortunately, optimist Jon tends to go hiding when presented with an attractive lady. Bumbling idiot Jon comes out instead.
Bumbling idiot Jon can’t get the words out. He’s incredibly self conscious. He knows he’s not the best looking, that he’s carrying more timber than a builders merchant, and he also knows that this wouldn’t actually matter if he presented the confident, compassionate, interesting Jon to the world. The more conscious he is of his own bumbling, the more the quick sand appears underneath his feet.
Somehow, we need to see less of bumbling idiot Jon and more of the real Jon. The one that has an infectious laugh and dark sense of humour, who cannot be trusted to play cards against humanity. The one that likes to freak guests out by turning the bathroom lights red and playing tubular bells through the speakers. The one that chooses a different team name at a pub quiz every week, trying to trip up the quiz host with tongue twisters. The one that gives up his time every Monday night to listen to guys going through a crisis, whose heart fills with joy seeing guys go from being nervous wrecks to leaving with a smile on their faces and a little bit of hope. The Jon that enthusiastically hurtles around with the sleigh in the gym, is terrible at counting reps and goes on 8 mile walks at the weekend for fun.
He is great at planning crazy holiday adventures. He loves cooking romantic candlelit meals. He plans thoughtful surprises, hiding cryptic clues around the house leading to Valentines gifts. The caring, loving, intelligent guy that he really is inside. Never afraid to show affection, wears his heart on his chest. Mr stable, Mr reliable. The sort of person you want in your corner when the chips are down. This is real Jon.
He knows his limitations, he knows he looks like something Shrek vomited up but even Shrek found his Princess Fiona and if only he could get over this social anxiety and show the world the person he really is, he’s going to make someone very happy again someday.
Optimistic Jon is going to keep leading, keep pulling the bumbling idiot by the hand and not taking no for an answer. You see, he’s optimistic. Defeat isn’t a word in his vocabulary.
Having said that, you should watch that optimistic Jon, he talks in the third person like a psychopath and decided to serenade a captive audience on the tram home with his rendition of Truly, Madly, Deeply, which was Truly, Madly out of tune. Maybe he is a little crazy after all? But we’re never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy. Does that Seal the deal?