Looking through dating profiles can be quite frustrating at times. I’m sure that this is also true for ladies with men’s profiles as well but after a while, it feels like ground hog day with the variations on a theme of things that people say on their profiles that put off the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re not heterosexual).
Here are some of the things that instantly put me off a lady’s profile, why I think that and what I think you could say instead. You may think “but Jon, what do you know about dating? Other guys may think differently” and you’re right, it’s only my opinion, but I’ve spent enough time talking to other guys to know I’m not alone. Please don’t take this as a personal attack if you have done any of these things. I’m sure I have written lots of things that put women off too, but it’s an opportunity to see it from the other side.
What you see is what you get
I hate this phrase, it tells you nothing about a person. It’s just lazy. You may as well just say I can’t be bothered, please do all the work to find out if I’m suitable for you without me having to do anything. Either that or it’s an instant defence mechanism. You are more than just your physical body so you’re doing yourself a disservice by insisting there’s nothing else for people to know about you.
Remember, your dating profile is your love CV. It’s your chance to catch someone’s eye and tell them why you think they should consider you as a partner. At least give someone a few hints as to what your interests are. We’re not psychic!
Don’t waste my time
I can understand that it must be very frustrating when you try to get to know someone and it doesn’t work out. Maybe they ghost you. Maybe it turns out that they aren’t looking for the same thing. Dating is very time consuming and sometime you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess, but that’s the same for men too.
When you say don’t waste my time, subconsciously the message that comes across is that your time is more important than the other person you’re talking to. It’s kind of like saying to a prospective employer, don’t give me an interview unless you’re going to give me a job. I’m afraid life doesn’t work like that.
What sort of person would want to go into a relationship where his or her time is going to be considered less important than their partners? The only kind of men you will attract with that attitude is either men that are desperate for female attention so ironically you’re likely to get more contact with men that you will not find interesting or desirable.
It’s much better to say what qualities you are looking for in a person rather than what you don’t want. It might be someone that’s loyal, faithful and ready to settle down. Someone who is financially stable and has his own hobbies and interests, even better if they align with yours. Your time is never being wasted. Every success is made up of a thousand failures that you learned something from.
I’m a strong independent woman
It’s great if you have your life in order and you’re not reliant on a man to come along and save you. Co-dependence is not healthy but people whom are strong don’t tend to need to broadcast that they are strong, actions speak louder than words. Independence can come across as “I’m not emotionally available”.
Being in a relationship requires team work and it requires an element of vulnerability. You don’t want to make yourself come across as cold.
Instead, talk about your hobbies and your friends. Seeing that you have a good network around you and that you’re stable is a big positive, the mote around the castle is not. Bring down the walls.
My kids are my world
It absolutely goes without saying that if you have young children, they are going to be your priority but if you want a partner in your life then you need to make room for that person. This is your dating profile, it’s not your motherhood credentials. It’s a good idea to mention you have children and what age they are as this will act as a filter for men that don’t already have a family but want one and men that don’t want children. However, be careful not to send the message that you have no time for a partner or that you’re emotionally unavailable. Relationships take work. A man taking on someone else’s family is going to have to make compromises, but a high quality man is not going to accept last place.
You’ve got to be <insert long list of demands here>
Some people’s dating profiles read like a grocery list of demands, and often unrealistic ones too. For example, he’s got to be over 6ft. Height has absolutely nothing to do with whether that person is a good match for you. You are not choosing a handbag, you’re trying to find someone to share your life with. Even if a guy meets all the demands in your shopping list, he’s likely to have his own list that you might not meet.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have preferences, but you also need to be realistic, unless you’re a 21 year old super model, perhaps it’s a little unrealistic, and indeed entitled, to expect a 6ft tall millionaire to be looking for you on a dating app. There is a difference between saying what qualities you’re looking for in a person and a list of superficial demands. You may think you’re filtering out the weeds, but actually, you’re portraying an attitude that might just rule you out for someone that has a lot to offer.
You’re profile is not about what you want. It’s an advert for why someone should want you. Sell your qualities. Yes, you will get attention from men whom you are not attracted to, that’s a privileged position as one day even that attention will dry up so don’t take it for granted. Be polite and treat others how you would like to be treated yourself.
Are there any good men left
Something are best left thought but not said in public, and this is one of them. Sometimes the words we say reveal more about ourselves than what we think. Comments disparaging the values of the opposite sex are hardly likely to endear you to them. It may come across that you have a poor taste in men.
I’m back again
Similar to the “no good men” type comments, you really don’t want to leave people you’re trying to attract with the impression that you’re unable to hold down a stable relationship. I appreciate it may be tongue in cheek and said in jest, it’s better to concentrate on your successes rather than failures.
Just ask / I’ll fill this in later
Writing an effective profile that attracts the right kind of attention is not easy. Especially if you’re British, we don’t tend to like selling ourselves. When we sign up for a dating app we’re too busy thinking about finding someone so often the profile is an after thought but if you want to be successful, you need to put a bit of effort in as you only get one chance to make a first impression.
Don’t leave your profile blank and just rely on photos, unless you’re only interested in casual relationships. If you want something more meaningful, it’s going to require a little effort. If it already feels like you’re pulling teeth trying to find out if someone is suitable then why should they make the effort to talk to you?
Take some time. Imagine you’re a single bloke and think about what it is about you that might be attractive to him.
Own home / Own home / Successful career
Sometimes men and women are both guilty of assuming the opposite sex is interested in the same things that we are and we write profiles that appeal to ourselves rather than the other sex. This is one of those examples. Men are not attracted to status or wealth the same way that women are. You’re not going to attract him by listing your career achievements because those are not the qualities he finds attractive in most cases.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t mention your job but don’t make it the focus of your profile because it’s wasted space, and it may actually put him off, and no, it’s not because he’s “intimidated” by your career. Intelligence can be sexy but a bad attitude is not. Not that every successful woman has a bad attitude by any means, but if you feel that you should be desirable to him because of your career, you may not understand it when he shows a lack of interest.
Photo faux pas
It’s not just the profile that can put men off, avoid these pitfalls when it comes to profile pictures
Pouting
Pouting fish lips are not attractive. Don’t do it. It makes you look childish, not sexy. A natural smile is much more attractive
Not Smiling
The odd sultry photo can be attractive but when you smile, it makes people smile back and gives them a positive association with you so make sure that your main photo is one with a smile
Overtly Sexual Images
If you’re looking for a casual sexual encounter, cleavage shots or gym wear is guaranteed to get you plenty of male attention but it will also put off a lot of men when they’re looking for a long term relationship. They don’t want someone promiscuous and actually, sometimes less is more. Force them to use their imagination until they’ve earned it. If something is easily obtained, it’s low in value.
Group photos
If it’s not clear which person is you, it’s not very helpful. Worse still, if there is an attractive lady in the photo that isn’t you, they’re going to catch our eye and potentially make us feel less positive about you than if you are the only person in the photo.
Avoid photos with other similar age males or children too. You don’t want to send the message that you’re not emotionally available.
Filtered photos
Bunny ears, stars and hearts do not enhance an image. Natural is always better and that goes for make up too. I’m not saying you shouldn’t wear make up but the goal should be a natural look. You want to look friendly and approachable. Fun, not taking life too seriously. Happy.
Memes
Avoid posting memes or pictures of pets or anything other than yourself. People will just skip straight past them or swipe left. It feels like you’re hiding something.
